2 months

So, I've been here 6 months now. I was supposed to go home this month. But I'm still here. If I'm honest I knew that when I left Sweden in september last year. As long as possible.

Right now I have a lot of stuff in my head. I think it's because it's getting closer. Closer to the day I will go back to Sweden. And yeah, I know it's just for 3 months. But 3 months is long. Long enough to change a lot of stuff. I'm a little scared to come back here in September and things are gonna be different. But when I think about it. I did that before. Left and came back. And yes, it has been different every time. But every time here has been amazing in it's own way. And friends that are real friends, they are still gonna be around.

Eastern. 4 days off. And I'm gonna be OFF. Because after this weekend hard work will start. For sure. Charging my batteries.

I hope my guts are playing tricks with me because right now they tell me to run away. But I wont. I know why I feel like this. It's just because I know I'm leaving soon. And I suck at saying good bye. But it will be more of a "see you". But still. It feels so weird.

I miss DINA, NINA and MATILDA so damn much. I can't wait to see them. 2 more months.

Is your IQ higher than your neighbours and is it very much higher than mine?

It's 14 months since I came home from Switzerland/Belgium and just really realised that the thing about having a serious relationship, to open up and go for it and show all of my feeling, was not for me. I tried for 3 years (2009-2012) to get my shit together and I just fell apart too many times. To many broken hart moments in my life and too many assholes around me. For sure. 2012 was great to me. I really felt ok being just me, alone and I could NOT see myself getting into something serious for a loooong time.

But sometimes it just happens. And I'm really sure when I say I haven't met anyone even close to this before. It's just different. Can't really explain what it is. The only words I can find are Respect, Humour and Kindness. And attraction :)

Anyway, I had a lot of shitty guys back in the days that made me think that there are some ways that I should be like. Ways that are totally wrong! I know this, but sometimes I'm just back in old behaviours and I start to freak out. "no one can make me feel like that again", my brain tells me. But I have to start to see that it's ME that is putting myself there. As soon as I talk about it and explain it, I'm just NOT treated like that. I'm not treated like shit anymore.

I have to wake up and see that. Because I don't wanna loose this one.

I will try.

I really wish I was more simple. But I'm not. I'm picky and I don't take shit. That's how it is.

But I also have lots of patience and I have a feeling about people that almost always are right, after a while. I'm bad at the first moments, but later on I know exactly! So I will follow my guts because that's the only way I end up right in life.

Because I really love...

.... the way you understand me.

I wish I was a ball!

Why can't I get it!?

2014

Can't say too much. But DAMN I'm excited for the future.

Politics.

Sweden is actually going crazy at the moment when it comes to politics!

* Stockholm police have come in for criticism for targeting "foreign-looking" commuters on the city's public transit system in an effort to track down and deport illegal immigrants.
Justite minister Ask's explanation was that "there are people who have been previously convicted who always feel they are under suspicion"

* The migration minister Is going nuts too:

In an interview published in the Dagens Nyheter (DN) newspaper, Billström offered his comments about people who help those who've had their asylum requests rejected stay in Sweden.

"Sometimes we have this image that people in hiding live with a nice Swedish lady in her fifties or sixties who wants to help," Billström told DN.
"But that's not how it is. Most of them live with their countrymen who aren't at all blonde and blue-eyed."

 

Stupid people. That's all I have to say. 

Dreams can come true.

I'm here. Just as I want too.

But after Johanna left yesterday I felt really down. I miss my friends. The ones who actually knows me. The ones that will laugh about the same things as me. The ones who I can really talk too, about everything and nothing.

But I'm fine.

I wanna go home. But at the same time I'm a little scared to leave too. This is home too. Weird feelings today.

Phumlani Kids.

I gave the camera to the kids when I was in the Township last Saturday. It ended up with some amazing photos!

I'm just a girl

Sometimes I'm such a fu**ing girl.
I wanna ask so much stuff, but in the same time I don't wanna know the answers. It's such a bad habit. The answers I get will be honest (thanks for that), but they will f*ck up my head. The past is the past. I should know that! It's not I've lived like a saint along the way.. But yeah, once again it's my stupid self esteem that sucks. I'm just not really used to be myself this much and still be accepted. It's great. It is! But yeah, my head is whispering "any day soon you will be boring enough to let down, to f*ck up, to leave, you know they always do that, they always find something/someone better"

But I actually know I'm amazing. Im happy, funny, nice, caring, loyal, respectful, understanding, easygoing, social/outgoing! (once again I have a problem writing anything that has to do with "cute, hot, pretty, beautiful . BUT also, I don't wanna be loved because any of those reasons. But it would be nice to FEEL like I was any of that sometimes) It's so stupid that I, 28 years old with so many friends and a great boyfriend (yes I wrote that word haha), am afraid to be left alone because people would meet anyone better. I'M FUCKING GREAT!

I hope that this text to myself can get me one step closer to REALLY feel this! And also, the people reading this, I want you to know I'm like this. Because it's very often people think I'm so strong and cool about myself and stuff like this. But I'm not, and I think you should all know that so that you don't get scared away if I break down sometimes. Even my wall is falling sometimes. It's a high wall, but yeah, it can fall..

Another day, another mood.

Today I feel so much better. Woke up, actually with less sleep and more tired than yesterday, but in a MUCH better mood. I had a great night last night, just got too tired and had to say good night at 12. Good for me!

So, there are a lot of weird stuff going on in this world. Just read that the Vatican has enough money to feed every child in the world. WTF. So, just do something about it! I just can't take shit like this, I'm angry now. We are a lot of people that actually DO wanna do stuff that matters, but have very small resources to make it. And than there are religious madda fackas that could do everything anytime, but they don't. And yeah it does matter that they are religious, because they always talk about how God or Jesus or whoever wants us to treat people as we wanna be treated and so on... Well, I'm sure that the people in the Vatican would love to get some food when they are starving?

Anyway... Just had to say something about that shit.

Today I miss :

Nina!  And all the good times..

Crazy Othilia, she must be so big now!

Croatia! Kalavojna, my favourite place on this planet.

Matilda!!! 

And yeah, I still love Cape Town!

TACK SÅ MYCKET

Thank you. Really. That kind of break down would never been accepted by any other guy I ever met. (I start to realize what kinda dudes I met before and that not ALL of you guys are like that)

BUT I am still tired of my weakness when it comes to this.

I have a STRONG self confidence. But my self esteem sucks, obviously.

Good times!!!!!!

So, Johanna and Oskar have been here for about 6 days now and they seem to like it. I'm glad. We have been doing some nice stuff. Jeremy Loop concert, beach day in Big Bay, lots of nice food, great night out with a LOT of dancing and also some stand up comedy. Great days. I think they are doing Table Mountain today. And tonight we are gonna eat the best burgers at Royal Eatery. Lots of work now for 2-3 days. Need to catch up after some days off...

I feel a little empty. Don't know what to write. So here are some pictures:

The life in a bag

Packing half of all my clothes and some stuff and "moving in" with mr Sserwanga (thanks for letting me stay over) for a week or two. Johanna and Oscar are gonna stay in my room. I'm used to move around. Didn't have my own place since may 2012, so I'm ok. BUT when I'm back here in september I wanna find a place where I can stay the whole time and make it feel like my home. I think I need that. Right now I'm never home alone more than 1-2 nights a week. Mostly because it doesn't really feel like my home. And it's also a small place so I can't really take people over. (but I'm not complaining, it IS a nice place anyway).

So, Will be 2 nice weeks with Johanna and Oscar. Will show them this city and I know they gonna love it too, like everybody else! Will be nice to talk some swedish and with someone that knows me. I need that for sure. Miss my close friends from home!

Otherwise, work is busy right now for sure. But I will make it. April is a very important month. Important clients coming over for volunteering. Everything has to be PERFECT. But I will do it!

So, might be a little less blogposts now for a while when I have friends over.

Later...

Just sad

So I asked one of our volunteers today how she is doing at her project. She is in a Primary School in Athlone area. She told me:

"At the school I found my little project i think, a girl who was raped when she was 5, and she still is having night mares and she thinks she has a demon inside here and that the devil visits her every day, she is so scared, but she can't say it"



Things like this.... I can never get used to hear about them. Its just too sad. But I wish the volunteer the best and I'm happy she is here and can do what this countrys government can't do. For 63 Schools they have ONE psychologist......

Good Times

A LOT to do at work right now. But it's cool. I have to do it so I do have time to spend with Johanna and Oscar that are coming here this thursday! Exciting! Johanna is my first friend that is coming to visit me here, will be great to show her this amazing city.

In march 2010 I wrote this on my blog:

I miss South Africa today. I miss the warmth of the people. I miss the feeling that every day mattered when I was there. I miss being there and to not wake up without anxiety every day. I hate all the empty feelings inside me and to feel that I'm in the wrong place. I do not feel that good here, as I do there. I'm not supposed to be here, I know that. One day...

It's kind of amazing. Since I was here the first time in 2008 I just knew, I knew this is where I wanna be. I will be honest, it's some days here when I miss Sweden as hell and question myself and what I'm doing here. But I can just go back and read my blog from the last 4 (!) years and realize that I followed my dreams, my goals and I AM where I wanna be. Of course I will miss Sweden and family and friends and stuff like that. But not as much as I miss Cape Town when I'm back in Sweden.

GOOD TIMES!

STILL GORGEOUS!

Peter is doing his job at stage. Me, Angel and Oren are having fun too :)

Follow Peter on www.iamcomic.co.za

Holi One Color Festival

Weird!

Normally I would have been upset with what I found out yesterday, but I just laugh about it. It's kind of a compliment actually. Never met anyone that I can handle stuff so easy with. It's great.
Thanks for you being you.

So weekend soon. Nice! I've been waiting. I've promised my self some time at the beach this weekend, I will try on sunday. My skin needs some sun for sure!

Get me out of this office NOW! Weekend!